The Griffins Meet Dr Phil
by Great Pyrenees
Summary: Frustrated Meg takes Peter to Dr. Phil show so that the dyfunctional family life will be over.
1. Chapter 1

The Griffins Meet Dr. Phil

One fine day, Meg was watching TV while Lois was in the kitchen, Stewie with Brian in his room, and Chris was in his own room. Suddenly, Peter came in and suddenly for no reason, whacked Meg on the head.

"Ow! Dad, you bastard! What was that for?" Meg angrily demanded.

"What was that for? That was a way of showing my stress of having a fat, ugly, useless daughter!" Peter yelled in his usual arrogant way he always used when speaking to Meg.

Peter shoved Meg as he got into the couch and seized the remote Meg was holding and turned the channel.

"Hey, I was watching that!" Meg yelled.

"Go to your room Meg; I don't want to hear anymore from you." Peter said in a flat tone.

Meg ran up the stairs, mad and sad, covering her face with her hands.

In her room, she slammed the door and lied face-down on the bed, sobbing.

"Dad still hasn't learned his lesson, even after the time we went to that TV show..." Meg whispered.

* * *

CUTAWAY GAG

Meg: AAARGGG!

(Meg runs to Peter, who's on the other side of the stage)

Crowd (Audience): Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

(Peter tries to run away, but gets caught by Meg)

Meg: (Punches Peter until he's unconscious)

* * *

(Two securities mingle between the two to stop the fight when Meg beats them too)

"That's it! I'm going to take him to another TV show so that he's going to get embarrassed on a national TV show! Then, he might become a better father!" Meg said brightly.

The Next Day...

Meg called the Dr. Phil show...

And at breakfast...

"Dad? You got to go to Hollywood with me. For free. And a hotel room reserved." Meg said hesitantly.

"Meg, how are you able to go to Hollywood?" Lois questioned.

Meg gulped to answer when Peter said-

"Leave her alone, Lois. She says there's a hotel and a flight reserved. But is this like a break?"

"Oh, Megan is only going to Hollywood with the fat man? Damn you, bitch!" Stewie yelled in jealousy and frustration (because he couldn't go).

"Yeah, Meg. Why Peter? And I want to know what you did to get that plane and hotel to Hollywood." Brian said.

"Somebody provided it for me!" Meg yelled.

After Breakfast, in Meg's room...

* * *

"Hahaha... That dumb, unsuspecting jerk fell for it... See you at Hollywood, Phil McGraw... HaHaHa!" Meg laughed hysterically.

In the plane#

"Wow... This is more exciting than the time I went to Disneyland!"

Young Peter: Sleeping Beauty, you look really pretty when you're asleep, so I'm gonna poke you with this needle, 'cause I'd like to see you asleep..

(Young Peter stabs Aurora in the finger)

Sleeping Beauty: AAHH!! (her finger bleeds)

* * *

Young Peter: What? You're not asleep? Wow... Fake Sleeping Beauty! Disney is so full of surprises!

"We are now landing Hollywood, California...

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

"It's strange that Peter is not here at home... This place is never going to be truly like itself without him. I miss him already!" Lois said staring out the window in boredom while washing the dishes.

"Hey, mom! Check out Meg's diary!" Chris yelled from Meg's room.

Lois, who was done with the dish-washing, came in Meg's room.

"Chris, you should respect your sister's privacy," she said, then suddenly added, "What did she write?" in curiosity.

The Evil Monkey came out of the closet, and in a docile temperament, he curiously came out and sat on Chris's lap.

"Wow, the Evil Monkey is nice to me!" Chris said in wonder.

"Now Chris, be careful with that creature. He might carry herpes or AIDS. But I think he's curious about Meg's diary." Lois cautioned.

"You're gonna be tamed and my friend!" Chris said, petting the monkey. "I'm gonna domesticate him, and get the aggressiveness out of him, mom!"

"That's great, Chris, but please go on with the diary" Lois said excitedly and impatiently.

"Dear Diary,

I'm taking dad to the Dr. Phil show. He'll get help. And get embarrassed nationally. HA! So long, bitches!

PS: I don't want my face on TV, because Connie D'amiaco and her dumb friends will make fun of me. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to change this family once and for all!" Chris read out loud.

"OH, my god! Chris, we got to go to that show! How can Meg not discuss something so big with the family?" Lois exclaimed.

"Come on Chris, we're getting a plane to Dr. Phil!" Lois said, turning to go to Stewie's room to get Stewie and Brian, who was babysitting him.

"Now, the bathroom's there, and..." Chris introduced the house to Kind Monkey, now his name. By the time the family (Stewie, Brian, Chris, and Lois) got on the plane, the monkey was fully trained and housebroken. And he came with the family.

"Oh, Megan didn't like us? Is that why that goddamn bitch went to that old man's show? Well, this is more sad than the time I broke up with Dylan," Stewie said to Brian in his airplane seat.

CAUTAWAY GAG

* * *

Dylan (Brian's son that Stewie likes; they somehow hooked up): Stewie, this isn't going to work out. We're 13 years apart!

"We actually broke up because I couldn't sexually please him. My anus was too small to fit his penis. It has nothing to do with age." Stewie said.

"Ewww." Brian replied in disgust.

"Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil" the crowd yelled.

Meg sat on the couch next to Peter on the stage as Dr. Phil elaborately came out to the stage.

"Meg can you explain why we're here today?" Peter asked.

"They said that if we participate in this, we can stay in Hollywood. Just play along, dad." Meg replied, looking nervously at the crowd.

"All right, all right. Thank you." Dr. Phil said as the crowd clapped. Dr. Phil sat on his own seat.

"Now, our guests today are Megan and Peter Griffin. Now, Meg is here because she thinks she's living in a crisis. Take a look at this." The screen showed a video.

* * *

"Meg, how did you make a video?" Peter whispered as he glanced at the crowd and the screen.

Video:

Meg: Hi, I'm a victim of family crisis. Our family, Lois, mother, Peter, my father, and Chris and Stewie, my brothers, and my dog, Brian are the Griffins. From the outside, we live in a good home in Quahog. But in the inside, we are the most strange and abusive family. My father bothers me for no reason whatsoever, which adds to my frustration of being a I-have-no-friends-because-I'm-a-geeky-nerd position in school. My mother neglects me, as my father; I mean, what kind of mother and father don't remember their daughter's age?

My mom has been on drugs. She has been prostituting when Chris needed money to be in private school. She acts like a good mother, but when she took taijutsu classes, she was abusive.

* * *

My dad is so dumb that he is often thought to be mentally retarded, and he pours water on me for no reason, he whacks me on the head for no reason, and of course, he doesn't remember me. One time, he confused between me and a monkey! Meg said on the video. The light came back on.

"How do you feel watching this?" Dr. Phil asked Meg, who was sobbing with a tissue.

"I just feel really hurt, and hah... hah..(gasping for breath while sobbing and talking at the same time)... I think he needs help." Meg said.

Crowd cheers.

Meanwhile...

"No... the show already started you can't go in now!" The security officer in front of the Dr. Phil studio door said.

"Okay... I didn't want to do this... You asked for it! Taijutsu!" Lois yelled and started kicking and punching.

("Do you hear something?" asked Dr. Phil.)

When the security guy was unconscious, Lois kicked open the door and ran to the sobbing Meg, and hugged her. Chris, Kind Monkey, Brian holding Stewie all walked along behind her. The crowd gasped.

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

"We'll be right back after this," Dr. Phil said uncertainly.

"Ok... We're back with a dysfunctional family, and shockingly, the whole family has come, and we only expected the "worst" (Dr. Phil made the quotation marks with his hands) family member and his victim. Well, Meg says she had enough of this family and she wants to change the family..." Dr. Phil said almost instantly after the "We'll be right back".

By then, the whole family had settled and everyone had sat on a comfortable green chair.

"Well, do you have anything to say?" Dr. Phil asked Lois.

"Honey, I'm so sorry... I did not know this family had impacted your life into misery so much that you considered coming on the show." Lois said apologetically to Meg.

"Now, I've been doing this for a long time, and I care about the guests..." Dr. Phil started to say when Peter interrupted.

"Oh... really... I thought you cared more about the money... Remember the Britney Spears fiasco?"

CUTAWAY GAG

Dr Phil: (to Britney) Do you want help from the Dr. Phil show?

Britney: No thanks... I'm cool dude...

The next day...

Britney on the phone to Dr. Phil: Why'd you put me on the ing show, you son of a bitch! I said, I DON'T WANT YOUR TY HELP! YOU WANT THE ING MONEY? SEE IF YOU GAIN MONEY AFTER YOU GO THROUGH THE COURT WITH ME!!

(This incident was real, but I changed the plot a little bit)

"I want you to read my book, Family First. This will give you ideas on how to construct a proper family. Now sir, let me tell you something. According to the info I was given, you were neglected by your own father, Francis, when you were young. Now many, many abusive parents do what they do because that's what they learned. But you should be able to know what is the right thing to do and what is the wrong thing to do..." Dr. Phil said to Peter.

The crowd cheered and clapped.

"Now look at your daughter... You see the potential and sparkle in her eyes? Can you just not see that she is dying to be loved? And she said, although you neglect her and abuse her, she still loves you!"

"You know... You're right! How can I hope for a better daughter when I have such a precious one? I'm... I'm more greedy than Marie Antoinette!" Peter said.

CUTAWAY GAG#

A French Guy: Now the irresponsible queen, Marie Antoinette, will be beheaded by the guillotine.

(Blade runs and beheads Antoinette)

Marie's beheaded face: Bury... Me...With...My...Clothes...And...Jewels...

(Marie Antoinette stops breathing)

Residents of France: YAY!!

The next month...

Up to the next month, the Griffins were doing their BEST. They understood each other more and they became a "normal" family.

Then...

"Today's the day they air our episode!" Lois exclaimed and everyone gathered.

TV: Today... At Dr. Phil... A Stressed teen's desperate cry for help to his neglecting and abusive dad... Then, a surprise visit when unexpectedly the whole family breaks in! Don't miss... Dr. Phil! (The theme song comes on)

"Oh this is gonna be so exciting!" Lois said as the Dr. Phil in theme song went, "I want you to get excited about your life!"

And as the last part of the theme song when the audience cheers "Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!", the family cheered, too.

"Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Who're we cheering about?" Chris asked.

"Chris, you were on the show! Wait, why is that vicious monkey wearing my hat? (Meg has another hat of the same kind)" Meg said.

"Oh, he needs clothes. Come Monkey... come to my lap..." the Monkey immediately obeyed.

And at the end of the show...

Dr. Phil: This is a month after the show, and Meg had mailed us that she and her family are spending quality times and she says, "Thank you for all the things you've done!" So as a way of saying "I want you to continue living a healthy relationship with your family", I sent a free ticket to Las Vegas with 5 rooms provided in a luxury hotel there. Plus all you can eat for the 3 weeks they'll be staying. Griffins, open your mail!

"Oh my God! Chris, get the mail!" Lois said.

And so the Griffins head for Las Vegas... Will they enjoy life there?

Find out at episode 4!! See you then!


	4. Chapter 4

"Wow... Vegas is beautiful... Look at all the lights... Fake sphinx... fake liberty statue, fake Eiffel Tower... Vegas is the home of the Fakes." Peter said as he gazed out of the cab.

"This is your place," the cab driver said.

There they were in Vegas, where they could stay in Flamingo hotel for 3 weeks. And free unlimited access to ANY restaurants/buffets there. They were originally offered 5 rooms, but they turned one room down due to the number of people in the family.

The first room was for Lois, Peter

The second for Meg

third for Chris and monkey

fourth for Brian and Stewie

All the rooms were side by side. Brian had to share the room with Stewie, because he had to be under supervision at all times.

That evening, everyone was wherever they wanted to be in after checking in there rooms. Peter and Lois sat on one of the small gambling machines (the ones you put coins in) and enjoyed themselves while Meg ran directly to the restaurant and gobbled. Stewie and Brian stayed in there rooms, because Lois didn't approve of a baby wandering around in a hotel where everyone was drinking or smoking.

"I used 10 dollars. That's enough for today. It was fun, although I only got 10 cents back. You coming, Lois?" Peter asked, as he stood up from the machine. "What the?" he said as he saw that Lois, who was next to him, had disappeared. "This is more unexpected than the time Meg was kidnapped by Michael Jackson in Disney World when she was 5!"

CUTAWAY GAG

Lois: Honey? (Finds Meg next to Jackson in the Employees Only room in Disney World)

Jackson: Take her back. She's too ugly to rape.

Peter frantically looked around to see a gambling obsessed Lois, at the gambling TABLE, betting a hundred chips!

Peter came closer, and asked, "This is called a chip? Like a cookie? How is this?" GULP. "GAG... Gag... haaaaaack" Peter gagged.

At midnight...

Lois visited the closest loan center from the hotel...

"Yes, this is Mary, how can I help you?" The 30-year-old retired playboy-girl slut asked.

"I want fifty thousand dollars.." Lois, with dark circles all over her eyes, said.

"Heh...Heh...Heh..." Lois smiled as she took the cash and got out.

Meanwhile#

Eliza Pinchley: I'm ready to sail to America... I'll sneak into a boat and kill Lois!

2 AM...

"Lois, you're finally here!" Peter said in relief. "Where were you, out of the hotel?"

"I'm tired... No questions..." and Lois fell right to sleep.

At Stewie and Brian's room#

RingRingRing

Stewie: (Getting his cell phone as he gets out of sleep) What the deuce? This is 2 AM! Mary, what the hell do you want with me?

Mary: Boss, a red-headed bitch asked for 50,000. Can you believe it?

Stewie: (Thinking, "Lois?") And what did she promise if she isn't able to pay?

Mary: Her life. She signed a contract for Black Market. She bet her two kidneys, heart, lungs, etcetera.

"This is going well... Lois for Black Market... HaHaHa!" Stewie said greedily as he hung up. "Lois you're so dead."

Not over yet! Wait for the 5th chapter! Coming up!


	5. Chapter 5

"This is the biggest loan I've had from all my time of loan sharking." Stewie said.

Peter was concerned. Lois kept gambling money that she couldn't possibly have.

Before they knew it, it was time to leave Vegas.

At the plane#

"I think I left something behind," Chris said.

Lois finally had gotten rid of her addiction and was back to normal.

"Honey... I sort of borrowed and used 50,000 dollars." Lois admitted.

"What? That's bigger money than the yearly income of your piano lessons, Lois! How much is the interest rate?" Brian asked.

"20." Lois stated.

"O my God, Lois! How dare you?" Peter said in fury.

For the rest of the ride, they just stayed silent until Stewie remarked-

"Eliza!"

"Who's that, Stewie?" Peter asked.

"Why, that's the daughter of Nigel Pinchley!" Lois told him.

"Oh, yes that is me and I came to kill you, Lois!" Eliza exclaimed as she ran up to Lois.

"ArGGGh" Lois yelled.

"That's it, Eliza. Kill her guts!" Stewie yelled.

Eliza took out a bread knife and aimed it at Lois.

Lois held the knife (from the safe, handle side) and struggled to let it free. "Stop doing this to me! Your dad died because he cheated on an insurance company; I have nothing to do with your dad's death!" Lois pleaded.

Finally, the stronger Lois set the knife free. The knife went upwards, then, in a sudden and to every passenger's horror, fell right into Eliza's heart.

Bleeding, Eliza fell.

"Damn it bitch! Girls are so useless!" Stewie yelled.

"Uh. Stewardess, would you mind picking up after some raw meat on the floor?" Peter asked the nearby stewardess to remove Eliza.

"We are now in Quahog."

At Home#

"I'm so frustrated! 50,000! So angry I can hit you Lois! But I'm better than that... Wait..." Now, the respectful daughter image seemed to vanish as Peter's anger rose. Meg became a sandbag again.

SLAP!

"Dad! What was that for?" Meg asked.

"Letting my frustration out, worst daughter." Peter said.

Meg ran up to her room.

"Uh... Stewie... That loan shark center you borrowed money from... That's owned by Stewie." Brian said.

"Really? Stewie! That's bad stuff. But since you're my son, can you forgive mommy and make the debt gone?" Lois asked.

"No! You will sell your organs to me!"

"I knew you'd do that for mommy. Thanks honey." Lois replied, hugging Stewie.

"Well, then... I have no choice... my money... Well, you are indebted to me!" Stewie said sighing then angry.

Later...

"Stewie... You can always make more money... I mean, you took 100 originally from Lois's purse to start your business. So technically, that's Lois's money." Brian assured a sad Stewie.

"I guess you're right, Brian. Time to let go and restart!"

"Yeah, that's the spirit! After all, a family is always considered to be 'one', so you shouldn't feel losses. It benefited Lois." Brian said, calming Stewie down.

"Yes, I was too selfish!" Stewie realized. "A family is one!"

"Do you still have money? I want to buy a martini." Brian asked.

Stewie punches him off the couch. "Forget what I had said! It's MY MONEY!"

A week later...

So Peter is now the neglecting abusive dad again...

Lois changed from gambler to sane person...

Meg and Chris... Whatever...

Stewie had just been a better person when he became selfish again.

Brian's still drinking martinis... Wait! Forgot a person?

Door opens...

To everyone's surprise, the Evil Monkey comes in.

Chris: Oh! I forgot you! Come here Monkey!

Monkey immediately threw the half-ripped Meg's hat to Chris, and pointed a scary finger to Chris as a way of saying, "How dare you leave me behind, you dumb asshole!"

And the Evil Monkey became himself again.

Meanwhile.

Eliza, stabbed and in a landfill, opens her eyes. Yikes, she's alive!


End file.
